"We are all scared to death."

We are taking on positive patients as our county officials continue to tell everyone we have no positive cases.

We are only allowed 3 sets of PPE per day but must see 6-9 patients with the average of 5 being positive or showing symptoms.

We are being told to wipe our PPE with hydrogen peroxide wipes between positive patients and between patients that are showing symptoms.

3 of our 5 nurses have fevers greater than 101 and are being ignored as the nurses are needed and “won’t die” from this virus.

We are all scared to death, doing everything we can to decontaminate ourselves before we come home to our families. I personally have a two year old and have no help. I can’t isolate myself from her.

My big question is what are the long term effects of this virus going to be on our lungs? Are we going to end up like the firefighters from 9/11? Not cancer of course but some sort of severe lung disease that’s going to kills us sooner rather than later?

— LPN, March 2020 (USA)

"I want to be there helping...But right now I can't, and that's hard."

This is a scary time for everyone. With coronavirus infecting and killing people the world over, it's right to be scared.

I am sitting here on day three of my official quarantine due to potential exposure and symptoms that fit, but I actually quarantined myself two days earlier when I was sent home from work. I'm a nurse; I float from department to department depending on the needs of the hospital that day. I'm on the front lines of all of this, or at least I should be.

I'd heard and read about this new virus spreading in China, and then in Italy. I figured that if it hit here I'd see quite a few cases, but I figured we would be okay.

My small family is, for the most part, healthy. My kids are 3 and 10, not fragile infants, but not defiant and freedom seeking teenagers. If need be we can survive in the house for a few weeks with little issue. It's not even been a week and it's been much harder than I thought. 

For me it started with a dry cough. That started Monday afternoon, and was worse at night to the point that I took Benadryl so that I could sleep. When I woke up Tuesday to go to work the cough was still there, but I didn't think much of it. I drove into work early, as I knew they would be starting screenings that morning. They asked the three questions – do you have a fever? (no), do you have a cough? (yes), are you short of breath? - that one made me pause. I hadn't really thought about it, but I was. I was still recovering from walking up the flight of stairs to the designated entrance of the hospital. I had to answer yes.

With that I was sent home with instruction to follow up with my primary care provider and employee health and go from there. I could not return to work until I was cleared by both.  Tuesday I didn't feel all that bad during the day. I put in a call to my primary care's office, scheduled an appointment for the following Monday, and figured I'd just take some time and relax, catch up on schoolwork, and enjoy my kids.

That night I had a low grade fever (99.5) and didn't think too much of it. I took some Nyquil and went to bed. Wednesday morning was about the same as Tuesday. As the day kept going on I started to have alternating bouts of being too hot and then being too cold. I started to get the cold sweats. My shortness of breath got to the point that I broke my inhaler. It helped, so again I was not too concerned. My fever came back Wednesday night, and again I took Nyquil to sleep. 

Thursday morning was different. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I started that day with a temperature of 99.2, and a struggle to get out of bed. As the morning went on my temp climbed to 101, and that's when I called my primary. The Nurse Practitioner that I usually see wouldn't be in until Monday, but I could do a phone appointment with the other NP in the office that afternoon. She called me around 2pm and we chatted about my symptoms. Because CoVid-19 tests are in such short supply in our community, she said she could order me a respiratory panel and then if that was negative she could ask the health department if I warranted a CoVid test. The other option was just to say it was presumed, and quarantine. As long as my symptoms could be managed at home, the treatment would be the same.

I opted to not go out, to just stay home and quarantine here with my kids.  It's Saturday now, and if this is coronavirus, luckily it seems to be fairly mild. Friday my temperature peaked at 100.8. With acetaminophen it came down to 99.6. I was dealing with exhaustion. Not normal fatigue, but full out falling asleep on the couch mid conversation exhaustion.

Today my temperature has been fine, and I'm tired but not like yesterday. My cough seems to be worse, as does my shortness of breath, but I blame that on the fact that I am moving around more today than I have been. Physically, it seems like I'm on the upswing. Mentally it is only getting more difficult.  

I've always been a “helper.” When someone has a problem I want to jump in and help figure out how to solve it. Being stuck at home while my colleagues and friends are on the front lines taking care of people, risking their own health, has been very hard for me. I want to be there helping, doing what I can to make things easier. I want to be reassuring those patients while they are scared. But right now I can't, and that's hard.  

The other issue I'm facing is my own anxiety. What happens next? I'll go back to work in another week and a half, what if this isn't coronavirus and I get sick again? Hopefully we will have more masks by then, but if not, how can I protect myself just in case? Are we going to have enough ventilators, enough rooms, enough staff? What if my children or my husband get sick? What if my dad, 1300 miles from here, gets sick and I can't help him? These are all real possibilities, and only time will tell what happens. I'm trying to keep my anxiety as best I can, but that is going to be my real challenge for now.

— RN, March 2020 (Michigan, USA)

“It feels terrible. I feel like I’m not helping people.”

We will be out of masks soon in the ER.

If we don’t have the proper equipment then, we can’t care for you. We even have signs on the doors instructing patients to go home and call us for a scheduled appointment. Unless you have moderate fever and breathing symptoms - don’t even think about coming in. Hospitals are dangerous places right now. If we use our equipment on your common cold or flu, then we won’t have supplies for the COVID cases.

It feels terrible. I feel like I’m not helping people.

— RN, March 2020 (California, USA)

"I’m terrified of getting sick myself and dying a terrible air hungry death."

I’ve already seen mass sick calls from nurses, scrambling for beds and staff, and palpable fear in staff who are usually like rocks.

I’m terrified of coming to work without my team. I’m terrified of my coworkers getting sick. I’m terrified of getting sick myself and dying a terrible air hungry death.

I’m worried for my parents and my family, but I can’t even see my family because I have such a high level of exposure at work. I must avoid the people I love because I can’t socially isolate.  

I’m feeling guilty that so many are losing their jobs and stability while I work more than ever.

I’m worried about all the patients who may end up in severe irreversible ARDS and on vents until we must withdraw care... and I know that it will hurt me every time. Every time.  

I’m worried about the entire structure of society being compromised by a 20% unemployment rate... it’s as if the pillars of society have eroded and we are just supposed to keep working. 

At some point we could run out of supplies, but if we don’t go to work then there will be no one to care for the patients. No one anywhere…until eventually there won’t be anyone to care for our own parents or grandparents when they get sick.

— ICU RN, March 2020 (USA) 

“Why are we expendable?”

I work at a hospital in a decent sized city. We were told to use N95 masks, goggles, gowns, & gloves on every positive or suspected COVID19 patient.

Until today.

Now our policy states that a gown, gloves, & plain surgical mask are acceptable unless performing an aerosolized procedure. As a sonographer, we are frequently less than 2 feet away from a patient's face. We are so close that patients often exhale or cough directly in our faces, something we used to joke about until now. We are also in the room with the patient for extended periods of time, up to an HOUR depending on the exam ordered.

Why are we expendable? Why are any of us???

— Sonographer, March 2020 (USA) 

“We’re going to war every day with no ammo.”

At first I didn’t want to believe it. It seemed like another flu season. Until it was in our town.

I took care of the first COVID positive patients who came to our rural hospital 6 weeks ago. They were already positive and had been at home self quarantined until their conditions worsened. We had 2 hours to throw together a plan and it worked. Everything was flawless and we did this without an isolation tent. But this was 2 people and 6 weeks ago. We had everything we needed: gloves, masks, CAPRS, booties, everything. We thought, yes! We can handle this!   

But now, 6 weeks later, I am being asked to reuse my N95 mask for a week! The other day my strap broke and I had to beg for a new one. My coworker tied his broken strap behind his head because he couldn’t find another one. I find this disgusting and inhuman. What happens when I really need an N95 for TB patient? My own mother is sewing HEPA masks for myself and all of my coworkers because she is so concerned for us.   

I go to work now scared for what might happen without the proper equipment to protect myself, my patients or coworkers.

We’re all exhausted. We’re overworked and overwhelmed. The system is failing us and our patients. i hate to think that this is the new norm, but I am afraid it is.  We feel like we’re going to war every day with no ammo.

— Emergency Room RN, March 2020 (California, USA)