"I want to be there helping...But right now I can't, and that's hard."
This is a scary time for everyone. With coronavirus infecting and killing people the world over, it's right to be scared.
I am sitting here on day three of my official quarantine due to potential exposure and symptoms that fit, but I actually quarantined myself two days earlier when I was sent home from work. I'm a nurse; I float from department to department depending on the needs of the hospital that day. I'm on the front lines of all of this, or at least I should be.
I'd heard and read about this new virus spreading in China, and then in Italy. I figured that if it hit here I'd see quite a few cases, but I figured we would be okay.
My small family is, for the most part, healthy. My kids are 3 and 10, not fragile infants, but not defiant and freedom seeking teenagers. If need be we can survive in the house for a few weeks with little issue. It's not even been a week and it's been much harder than I thought.
For me it started with a dry cough. That started Monday afternoon, and was worse at night to the point that I took Benadryl so that I could sleep. When I woke up Tuesday to go to work the cough was still there, but I didn't think much of it. I drove into work early, as I knew they would be starting screenings that morning. They asked the three questions – do you have a fever? (no), do you have a cough? (yes), are you short of breath? - that one made me pause. I hadn't really thought about it, but I was. I was still recovering from walking up the flight of stairs to the designated entrance of the hospital. I had to answer yes.
With that I was sent home with instruction to follow up with my primary care provider and employee health and go from there. I could not return to work until I was cleared by both. Tuesday I didn't feel all that bad during the day. I put in a call to my primary care's office, scheduled an appointment for the following Monday, and figured I'd just take some time and relax, catch up on schoolwork, and enjoy my kids.
That night I had a low grade fever (99.5) and didn't think too much of it. I took some Nyquil and went to bed. Wednesday morning was about the same as Tuesday. As the day kept going on I started to have alternating bouts of being too hot and then being too cold. I started to get the cold sweats. My shortness of breath got to the point that I broke my inhaler. It helped, so again I was not too concerned. My fever came back Wednesday night, and again I took Nyquil to sleep.
Thursday morning was different. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I started that day with a temperature of 99.2, and a struggle to get out of bed. As the morning went on my temp climbed to 101, and that's when I called my primary. The Nurse Practitioner that I usually see wouldn't be in until Monday, but I could do a phone appointment with the other NP in the office that afternoon. She called me around 2pm and we chatted about my symptoms. Because CoVid-19 tests are in such short supply in our community, she said she could order me a respiratory panel and then if that was negative she could ask the health department if I warranted a CoVid test. The other option was just to say it was presumed, and quarantine. As long as my symptoms could be managed at home, the treatment would be the same.
I opted to not go out, to just stay home and quarantine here with my kids. It's Saturday now, and if this is coronavirus, luckily it seems to be fairly mild. Friday my temperature peaked at 100.8. With acetaminophen it came down to 99.6. I was dealing with exhaustion. Not normal fatigue, but full out falling asleep on the couch mid conversation exhaustion.
Today my temperature has been fine, and I'm tired but not like yesterday. My cough seems to be worse, as does my shortness of breath, but I blame that on the fact that I am moving around more today than I have been. Physically, it seems like I'm on the upswing. Mentally it is only getting more difficult.
I've always been a “helper.” When someone has a problem I want to jump in and help figure out how to solve it. Being stuck at home while my colleagues and friends are on the front lines taking care of people, risking their own health, has been very hard for me. I want to be there helping, doing what I can to make things easier. I want to be reassuring those patients while they are scared. But right now I can't, and that's hard.
The other issue I'm facing is my own anxiety. What happens next? I'll go back to work in another week and a half, what if this isn't coronavirus and I get sick again? Hopefully we will have more masks by then, but if not, how can I protect myself just in case? Are we going to have enough ventilators, enough rooms, enough staff? What if my children or my husband get sick? What if my dad, 1300 miles from here, gets sick and I can't help him? These are all real possibilities, and only time will tell what happens. I'm trying to keep my anxiety as best I can, but that is going to be my real challenge for now.
— RN, March 2020 (Michigan, USA)